EMS & PTSD: Behind the Mask – Drowning

Today I started counseling again. I've been struggling a lot the last couple months. PTSD Symptoms are flaring hardcore. And i don't even know how to write about it anymore. I've started this post 3 times over the last week. I feel like I'm drowning. I'm ok all day and suddenly I'm not. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to throw glass bottles and watch them shatter into a million pieces. I want to point to the broken shards of glass scattering the perfect freaking floor and scream, "THAT IS ME! That brokenness is me." But that would look crazy. It would be crazy. And I have a facade to maintain. A mask to keep in place. But it's slipping. According to my therapist today I suffer from, "Complex Trauma". Sounds fancy haha. Basically, between being nearly murdered, sexually assaulted, all the crap I've seen in EMS, and an abusive marriage it becomes "complex". It's not one incident, it's so much more. And apparently they all connect and affect each other and how I perceive the world and process everything. I kinda feel like that's a "No shit Sherlock" statement. But I honestly just feel...I don't know how I feel. Stupid. Weak. Fragile. The thing I'm struggling with the most right now is the abusive marriage bit. A lot of things happened that I thought were acceptable, and I'm starting to realize they weren't. I thought couples fight. Marriage is hard. Right? That's what everyone says. Apparently being screamed at for hours for everything yet nothing isn't ok. I mean I feel like that's a no brainer. But I was so blinded...I couldn't see what everyone else saw. And how am I supposed to rationalize that the man I loved, who deep down I know is good, and amazing, also legitimately hurt me? I'm terrified of anger. Sensing the slightest irritation from my boyfriend will freak me out hardcore. I mean full on Panic attacks. And he's done nothing to me. Nothing but love and care for me. He's never gotten angry with me once. And I'm afraid of him sometimes. I've gone from having a great day at work to being smothered by memories of my ex screaming at me. And i get so angry. It's hilarious that, as terrified of anger as I am, my reaction right now to things I was subjected to is Anger. Complete paradox there. So on top of all the standard PTSD crap I've come to accept as "normal" in my life I get to process this crap too. In addition to my "standard" nightmares, I have nightmares of him killing me and my boyfriend. I go out with a friend and I unconsciously start to panic and will check my phone, expecting angry messages because I'm out. I don't even realize I'm freaked till I'm looking at my phone with NO messages lol. And I don't even know wtf the point of this is. I just know I try and be open with y'all and writing helps sometimes. Which is weird. Bc right now I'm wavering bt feeling angry and feeling numb. So yeah. Whatever. And yeah. I know. I'm strong, I got this, I'll get through it, and all that other crap. But right now I just feel like I'm drowning. I'll be OK. But I wanted those who need it, to know they aren't alone. Here I am. -Doc Reaper

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